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Title: The First Episode of Potterwatch
Words: 1834
Rated: PG-13
A/N: Written for the Summer Hallows Jumble at metamorfic_moon. I had a ton of fun writing this--actually one of the favorite things I've written recently. ;)



"Dora, why are my shoes on the stove?"

"Because there was a roach in the bag." Tonks shuddered. "I hate those things."

"My shoes are on the stove because there was a roach in the bag?"

"Yes." Tonks continued putting tinned items into the cupboard.

"I have no idea what that means."

"I was removing our things from the overnight bag we took to Kingsley's lake house, and there was a roach crawling around in there, so I removed all of the items and shook the roach into the bin. I guess I forgot your shoes." Tonks shrugged.

Remus shook his head and chuckled. "I'll put these where they belong then, shall I? Unless you were planning to cook them?"

Tonks stuck out her tongue at her husband. Before Remus could collect his errant shoes, a large silver lynx appeared and said, "WWN, Channel 7, now!"

"What in the name of Merlin?" Tonks muttered, turning on the wireless.

"Good Evening, Listeners! This is River, which is a code name, in case you were wondering. Since the Wizarding Wireless Network News and the Daily Prophet can't even see fit to tell us when earth shattering events occur, I have taken it upon myself, with the help of a few friends, to tell the truth. I know there are a lot of people out there, not on the side of the Chief Death Eater, as I like to call You-Know-Who. I believe Harry Potter is not a criminal and has not run away and gone into hiding as the Ministry would have us believe. He is out there, working to save the Wizarding world. Who better than "The Boy Who Lived" to become "The Man Who Defeated the Chief Death Eater for Good". So without further adieu, I welcome one and all to the first ever broadcast of Potterwatch!"

"Who . . ." Tonks began.

"Lee Jordan. Shh." Remus put a finger to his lips.

"We here at Potterwatch want to let all of our listeners know what really happens in Wizarding Britain. There was nothing at all in the Daily Prophet today or on the WWN about the events at the Ministry yesterday. I don't know if there will be a story tomorrow or not, but I will give you the true story straight from someone who knows. I now turn to my inside source on the Ministry—Potterwatch correspondent, Royal."

"Thank you, River. Good evening to everyone listening to this broadcast."


"Kingsley!" Remus and Tonks exclaimed in unison.


"Yesterday, there was quite a bit of bother at the Ministry of Magic—at least a bit of bother for the Death Eaters."


Tonks giggled.

"The Ministry of Magic was shaken up yesterday morning by three persons using Polyjuice Potion, despite recent new security measures, if you can call flushing yourself into work each day a security measure."


Remus snorted.

"And River, there will be an article in the Prophet tomorrow. It says something about how Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and another unknown person, Polyjuiced into Reginald Cattermole, broke into the ministry after assaulting several Ministry Officials, stole valuable Ministry property, and escaped with all of the Muggleborns who were on trial for the day. They will also be publishing a list of 'Undesirables' who are wanted for various crimes. This so-called wanted list includes every Muggleborn witch and wizard in Wizarding Britain. Well, all of them who aren't already in Azkaban."


Remus moved next to Tonks and put his arm around her. "He's not in Azkaban, love." Tonks nodded.

"Royal, can you please tell us WHY so many Muggleborn witches and wizards are in Azkaban?"

"Of course, River. Through the Daily Prophet, you will have heard of the new 'Muggleborn Registration Commission'. Questionnaires have been sent to Muggleborns, presumably to uncover the conspiracy leading to the murder of Minister Scrimgeour. However, all of the questions are about the Muggleborns' being Muggleborn, not about any conspiracy. All of the Muggleborn witches and wizards have been told to appear before the 'Commission' for a 'hearing'."

"Royal is using air quotes here, Listeners."


Remus and Tonks both snickered.

"Yes, River, because these so-called hearings are a sham, and simply an excuse to incarcerate Muggleborns in Azkaban. Any Muggleborns who are listening, DO NOT go to your hearing. Get out of the country if you can. Every Muggleborn who has appeared for his or her hearing has been sent to Azkaban."

"You mean every Muggleborn other than the ones Harry helped to escape yesterday?"

"Yes. I believe Harry Potter and his two companions entered the Ministry in disguise to rescue the Muggleborns they could."

"I thought Hermione Granger was with Harry Potter?"

"There is only one person's word, and a Death Eater at that, who says he saw Hermione Granger with Harry after the Polyjuice Potion had worn off, and that she hexed him. There is no proof."

"Well, cheers to whoever it was who hexed the Death Eater. So, Royal, is there proof that Harry Potter was truly the one at the Ministry?"

"Yes. Harry came to the Ministry as an official visitor two years ago, and his wand was weighed. The weighing of visitors' wands enables any spell cast by that witch or wizard in the Ministry building to be recognized by the trademark signature of the caster's magic. We know for certain that Harry Potter cast a spell in Dolores Umbridge's office."

"So why was Harry visiting old Toad-Face?"


Remus growled.

"I'm not sure, but the alleged "stolen Ministry property" was Alastor Moody's magical eye. Dolores Umbridge had the magical eye in her door and was using it to spy on Ministry workers."


Tonks gasped, "That horrid bitch!"

"For any listeners who do not know, River, since The Daily Prophet did not see fit to report it, Mad-Eye Moody was killed in a battle with Death Eaters and You-Know-Who himself on July 30. His comrades-in-arms were unable to find his body. Apparently, his body WAS found, though."


A tear rolled down Tonks' cheek.

"Yes, Royal, Umbitch really enjoys misusing magical artifacts, doesn't she?"


"Umbitch!" Tonks laughed through her sniffles.

"That she does. I, for one, am glad that Harry has Alastor's magical eye. I'm sure he will show him proper respect in death as he did in life."

"Sounds like Harry had a busy day, Royal. Who better than "The Man Who Is a Pain in You-Know-Who's Arse" to rescue Muggleborns from certain doom in Azkaban and help a dear friend rest in peace."

"Well said, River."

"Listeners, let us have a moment of silence to honor Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody. We will miss you Mad-Eye."

Remus turned Tonks toward him and hugged her tightly.

"So Royal, who else is on the Death Eater Hit-List that will appear in the Prophet tomorrow?"

"Harry Potter is Undesirable #1—they even have wanted posters of him up everywhere, Hermione Granger is #2—there's no proof for that, as I have said, The Unknown Impersonator of Reginald Cattermole is #3—the Death Eaters can't even make up who that is."


"I have a hunch, though."

"I know, Remus! Shh . . ."

"They have listed the real Reginald Cattermole as #4, since he fled while Mafalda Hopkirk, and Albert Runcorn—the other Ministry officials who were impersonated—did not. I don't think there is any way Reg was involved in planning the escape, since he went to St. Mungo's experiencing severe vomiting. I'm sure he fled with his wife and children because Mary Cattermole is Muggleborn."

"I hope they make it, Royal."

"I do too, River. The Cattermoles are a wonderful, loving family. I know them well, as my nephew is their son's best mate. Funnily enough, Mary and the other Muggleborns who escaped yesterday did not get higher ranking on the hit list. The Death Eaters are charging Harry Potter and his companions with "aiding and abetting the escape of prisoners" but are not charging the Muggleborns with anything additional to the others. With the exception of Dirk Cresswell, who is listed as #5. He Confunded Auror Dawlish, who was assigned to escort him to Azkaban, and escaped."

"Way to go, Dirk!"


"YES!" Tonks shrieked, making Remus jump.

"I agree, River. The rest of the list has Muggleborns who used to work for the Ministry, followed by all other Muggleborns."

"What can our listeners do to help, Royal?"

"First of all, do not help the Ministry. The Daily Prophet article will also say the Ministry is offering a reward for the capture of every person on the list, and have deputized all Pureblood witches and wizards to do that."

"That sounds like Ministry-sanctioned vigilantism!"

"You are exactly right, River, and we cannot give in to selfishness and greed, or we are no better than the Death Eaters. All of us who seek to resist You-Know-Who are in this together, no matter our lineage."

"Very true, Royal. We are out of time Listeners, and will end with those wise words. You were invited to hear this broadcast because of your past loyalty to Albus Dumbledore. Feel free to invite likeminded family and friends to join you, but know that all future broadcasts will be password protected. The password for next time is Albus Dumbledore's middle middle name. That should not be too hard to figure out. Until next time, Listeners, keep the faith and stay safe!"


The wireless went to static, and Remus turned it off. Tonks found a napkin, and blew her nose.

"Wulfric!" Remus declared.

"What?" Tonks simply stared at him.

"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore." Remus stated. "Wulfric is Albus Dumbledore's middle middle name—the password for the next broadcast."

Tonks nodded. "Wasn't Lee Jordan one of your students?"

"Yes. He did the Quidditch commentary at Hogwarts and was really good at it. He said he'd always wanted to work for the WWN."

"He's putting his talents to good use."

"He certainly is. That's brilliant Harry helped those Muggleborns escape."

"And Dirk escaped on his own! I'm so glad. Of course, Dawlish is an idiot, so it wouldn't have been too hard."

Remus chuckled. "Do you know how Kingsley knew all this?"

"Probably from the D.E.E.D.s."

"The . . .?"

"Disillusioned Extendable Ears Deluxe. Fred and George made a more high-powered version of Extendable Ears, and only gave the prototypes to a few select people."

"Like you and Kingsley? Why didn't I get any?"

"They were an Aurors-only product. Kingsley and I were the only ones to have them, but I gave mine to Kingsley when I was fired."

"You could have told me about them. I may not be an Auror, but I was a Marauder."

"Oh, don't pout." Tonks kissed Remus on the tip of his nose. "The twins know how much you love their products. They owled us another prototype . . ." Tonks smirked.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Come to our bedroom, and I'll show you."

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
willow_wand
Oct. 31st, 2010 05:23 am (UTC)
I loved the banter in the beginning, particularly Tonks's explanation as to why his shoes were on the stove.

I also really loved the episode of Potterwatch. <3 Good work! :)
purple_ladybug1
Nov. 4th, 2010 09:22 pm (UTC)
I love this! Especially the little bit at the end with the prototype. Cheeky!
adjennaline
Dec. 12th, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
Umbitch. Heehee. :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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